Be Nourished Podcast Interview

Hey friends! I realize I’m a little late posting this to the blog. If you follow me on social media you’d know that my friend Allison interview me about our babies and journey through miscarriage and my episode aired last month. It was a sweet time to reflect on our story - some parts that had been buried under grief for some time. I hope you’ll give it a listen and that you’re encouraged by it!

Be sure to check out all of her other episodes because they are so encouraging!

Listen here on Apple Podcast

First Birthday

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,

out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground

and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what he has done and be amazed.

They will put their trust in the Lord.

Psalm 40:1-3

I opened up my bible today and this was the first passage I read. Waiting is not something I'm unfamiliar with. I should be setting up for a birthday party tomorrow. Maybe there would have been a cake with flowers. Maybe one decorated with dinosaurs or trains.

I always wonder what would have been for the precious life that I carried in my womb for 9 weeks. You made me a mother. Although those around me don't see you and when I'm asked if I have any children, sometimes I lie. I am a mother. Your life mattered.

My love will never end for the two babies I carried. I will always hold them in my heart and if there's one thing I've learned from this journey, it's that I need to give myself space to feel. Sometimes it's grief and frustration and other times it's joy in remembering that because of Christ's blood shed for you and me, all hope is not lost. Don't you feel a longing in your soul for something more than this world can give us?

Even as a Christian my life is not promised to be easy or free from death. This is the symptom of the fallen world we live in. Because of one man's sin, all of us are subjected to living out a life that we were not intended to live. One look at the world around us and we see this, but because one man lived a perfect life, you and I have hope for a future when we leave this earth. My hope has always been to share my story with others to give them hope and understanding. If you have gone through miscarriage, I want you to read my words and know you are not alone. I see you, but more importantly Jesus sees you.

I want you to know that even though I have carried another child only to end up with the same heartbreak and loss, God has given me a new song to sing because of the hope I have in Jesus. He can give you one too if you allow him into your heart. There is no "fix-it" in this world that will promise you a happy life, but we have Jesus and he is enough. 

Even if I am never satisfied of my longing and desire to carry a child full-term and live a life as a mother to that child on earth, Jesus will be enough.

Please share so that these words would reach the eyes of those who may be suffering. Please reach out to those you know are suffering. It doesn't need to be eloquent. There is nothing "right" you will say to fix the situation. Sometimes it's best to sit in silence. Just being present to sit with someone in their sadness or grief is all it takes to let someone know they are not alone.

Thank you, God, for the new song you offer to everyone. Thank you, Jesus, for dying for all of us, including my babies, so we have a new hope. Thank you for continuing to read my story.

Scars

Growing up I played soccer. It was, and still is, my favorite sport. I remember a specific season where I had this scab that formed from hitting my knee on something. It seemed like every game I played the newly formed scab would get knocked off. I still have the mark from this repetitive injury and healing cycle I went through for what seemed like forever.

I think this story is the perfect picture of what healing after miscarriage looks like.

A question my friend recently asked me was, "do you ever think you can have complete healing from grief here on earth?"

It didn't take me any time at all to give my answer. Loss and grief never go away. Like my soccer wound, they can heal to only be knocked off again. New skin forms over the pain and brokenness life has dealt you. You seem to be moving towards complete healing, and then all of the sudden you're back at square one.

These scars are what make our story. They remind us of the pain we endured. They allow us to relate with one another. Most of all, they never go away.

When I look at my life right now, I am often still overwhelmed with hurt when I see the void of losing two children. My hope is that through sharing these stories I have encouraged you if you have also experienced miscarriage. With that encouragement, I would be doing you an injustice not to recognize the pain that you have also experienced or are experiencing right now.

I want you to realize that even after time passes, it is still hard for me to carry the weight of loss. You are not alone if you feel stuck in a rut. I think healing can also come from hearing "me too" when you feel like everyone else has moved on with life.

So with all this being said, no, I don't believe we will ever be healed here on earth, but "the pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming." Romans 8:18

If you feel overpowered by grief even when you thought you were beginning to finally start to living again, you are not alone. Please reach out here if you need support from someone who has been there, who is there right now. 

For Poppy

I knew that June was going to be a hard month. Nothing could prepare me for the feelings I felt what seems like an eternity ago to resurface. Seven months have passed since we lost our sweet Poppy. And while my sinfulness wants to make this time being bitter, anger, and jealous, God is giving me a different spirit.

Does this mean I don't feel these emotions at times? No, but what a joy to know that both of my children will never know the brokenness of this world. 

9 days from today will look a lot different than I imagined in my head when I saw the second pink line for the first time. It's been the hardest season of my life. Losing two children has left a mark on my heart I never thought I would have to bear. What has God taught me in this time of grief and growth? I want to share the answers with you below. If you are interested, please keep reading.

I need help from others

I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again 1000 times because of it's impact. Do not go at this alone.

 You need community. You were created in the image of God. He is three in one. This shows a blueprint for how we are to live. I remember so clearly the isolation that I felt during our first miscarriage. I sunk faster and faster into a pit I didn't know how to crawl out of. I looked up to the people above me but I didn't know how to let them down in to this place I found myself in.

I was angry at the things they weren't doing even though I never thought to communicate to them what exactly that was.

Bereaved mama and daddy, Don't be afraid to tell the people who are there for you what you need. Maybe you don't want to let them in because "they don't know how it feels." I totally get it. I was there. God revealed to me through my second miscarriage that I was doing this wrong the first time. Those people that reach out are there for you.

Maybe it is space that you need. Maybe it's a meal or a time just to sit and be silent. Just let them know.

In Galatians 6:2 we are told to "bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." If you know someone going through miscarriage, this verse shows exactly how to help. Bear your friend's burdens. Cook them a meal, sit and cry with them, pray with them. But please don't just say you will be praying. Show your suffering brothers and sisters in Christ your love through actions. 

God's grace and love shine brightest in the darkness

You might not realize how God was blessing you and showing you His grace until after your trial has come and gone. I know for me, I didn't realize many of the things I've shared on this blog until after our second miscarriage.

I'm so in awe of God's sovereignty when I think about my miscarriages. Sounds weird to say. I bet it sounds weird for you to hear, Especially if you are not pursuing a deeper understanding and relationship with Him. 

I want you to see my story as a testament of the love God has for his people. Even now in my grief and suffering, he provides.

Have you noticed a theme of these posts? Friends, my positive outlook on my miscarriages is not by my own abilities. God gives me hope to even be able to look for the good in my loss because he sent His son to die for you, me, my babies, your loved ones, your babies, everyone.

God's grace is certainly something to be joyful about because there is hope! Hope that all of us who have lost our children will one day see them again when we too pass away.

People can be hurtful

This isn't something exclusive to miscarriage. We are broken people living in a broken world. My motive in saying these things is not to point a finger or blame anyone who may have said these words to me. My intention is to show how words hold so much power.

I've heard many things from, "Everything happens for a reason," "You'll have children one day," or "I'm sure there was something wrong with your baby." Usually, intentions are good in saying these statements. They are said to bring comfort to the person suffering.

Have you ever said anything like this? Maybe even to me? Please hear me when I say that I know your intentions were good. I am not harboring any hatred or anger towards you. I even appreciate your courage to speak up when it seemed like everyone else was ignoring my pain. I just pray that maybe when you encounter another hurting mama, your first response would be "I see your pain, and I'm sorry that you're going through this right now."

Have you ever had these things said to you? Or have you been ignored during your miscarriage by those you thought would be the first to say something? Please hear me when I say that I am so sorry. I know that these actions cut to the core of your wounds. Before you let these statements, or lack thereof, sink in and let bitterness and anger rule in your mind, take a moment and think about the time you might have done the same to someone else. 

Ouch.

This hurt me, too. Which brings me to my next God-given teaching moment.

I have been the person mentioned above

I know that sting from conviction. It hurts more than the pain of someone else's actions towards you. I want you to know that I am not trying to shame you in any way. I just want to share how God has softened my heart.

I can remember countless instances in my life where I have chosen to sit by while I see a friend or stranger in need. Miscarriages have broken my heart for others who are suffering. They give me a window into souls filled with grief and sadness.

What a gift this is to know and understand the hearts of others.

I thank God for this. He's used miscarriage for His glory. Teaching me in a new way how to love others and tend to their needs as he has done so throughout my grief and sadness.

This list of what God has taught me is not exhaustive. God's goodness continually teaches and corrects me and comforts me in a way I would have never known without the physical and emotional emptiness of miscarriage. This hole left in my heart is not eternal, but a satisfying, perfect life with God is.

Bible verses for comfort during miscarriage

What do you turn to when you're feeling the weight of grief on your shoulders? Turning to the worldly comforts during times such as miscarriage can satisfy us temporarily, but where or who can we turn to when these things no longer fix us the way they once did?

I know that my, and your, ultimate hope comes from the Lord (Romans 15:13). This truth has been the basis of my healing through two miscarriages. I allows me to pull myself out of the fleeting world around me to find solid ground on my rock, Jesus.

It is him who died for my sins. It is him that closes the gap from here to eternity - from me to my babies in heaven.

I thought it might be helpful for those going through miscarriage to refer back to a few passages of scripture that have helped me through the most difficult times in my life - losing my children.

These words give hope. They breathe life into the death and sadness that the enemy so badly wants me to focus on.

Please share this blog in the hopes that someone around you, or even yourself will find truth, love, and hope that can only come from the Lord.

1 Samuel 1:27-28

For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord.

Psalm 34:17-21

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken. Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned. 

Daniel 3:17-18

If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will never serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.

Romans 8:18

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

Ecclesiastes 11:5

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand that work of God, the Maker of all things.

Isaiah 55:8-9

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. As heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

2 Corinthian 1:3-5

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.

1 Corinthians 15:54-58

When the perishable has been clothes with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

A husband's take on miscarriage

As I think about my perspective on what happened regarding my wife’s 2 miscarriages, I slowly become overwhelmed. While I did not experience the physical trauma that my wife had, I still had to witness everything. I was experiencing one of the worst things that a husband can go through, watching my wife in pain and terror and not being able to do anything. I thought as if this nightmare would never end as I felt more and more worthless as time went on. Now that some time has passed since these tragedies, there are a few points I would like to share with the men who are also in the thick of this.  

Helplessness is not fun

I know for myself and I believe most men will agree that being helpful to your wife is a wonderful feeling. Things as small as helping opening a jar, taking the car to get gas, doing the dishes, all leave us with a feeling of worth when we help our loved ones. What we do not like, is watching people in pain and having to sit there. Doing nothing sucks. I believe that we have this image of men as being these protectors of their wives but that is not always the case. In the midst of a miscarriage, we are helpless. Helplessness does not mean worthlessness. Sure, things are out of control and going crazy but this does not mean we cannot be helpful. What I found out what was more beneficial for my wife was being able to be there for her.   

Don’t offer solutions

While women go through these terrible things, the husband should not be trying to look for a solution. The single best thingI believe that a husband can do in this moment is put his own agenda to the side and listen to the needs and pain of his wife. Listening is such a strong tool that promotes cohesiveness, compassion, and understanding. While miscarriage is difficult for couples, the husband should try his best to not try to impose his view on his wife or distract her. We should love our wives through this by putting our focus on them first and then confront our own needs. When we try to offer solutions and “fix” things, we lose the opportunity to connect to our wives. Be patient, and just because you may have “gotten past the miscarriage” does not mean your wife is ready yet. 

Feel the feelings

Once the dust settles and the intense moments of the miscarriage start to go away, allow yourself to feel everything. It is extremely unhealthy to push things to the side and not address them. If you feel sad, allow yourself to cry. If you feel angry, find a positive way to get rid of the anger. Do not be afraid to open up to your wife about your feelings when the time is right, this can promote such growth within the relationship. I know that today men “should not cry” and “should be tough”. I want to point out that suppressing intense emotions can result in some maladaptive behaviors that can be extremely detrimental not only for the relationship, but also the individual. 

We are not told what to do when tragedy hits. While the points I have listed are not the end all be all to getting through this tragedy, I wish someone would have told me these. As husbands, we are to love our wives unconditionally, and sometimes we experience tough times. If you find yourself being a husband, boyfriend, or father of someone who has experienced miscarriage and you would like to talk to someone, please reach out through this form.

It's not over when it's over

Since my last post I've had mostly good days with a few really tough days sprinkled in. On those days, I'm reminded the pain and realness of my story is not over even though my miscarriages are becoming more distant as life continuously moves forward. The feelings I felt so explicitly in the thick of it peek through sometimes when I least expect it. Tonight is one of those nights.

Sadness creeps in like an unwelcome friend.

However, I've been contacted by a few friends about how this blog has impacted the lives of others in a positive way and I'm reminded of the goodness that can come out of such a terrible thing. I think about the Babylonians. In Habakkuk 1:1-5 we see how God uses a people of evil and wickedness to carry out His plan. God's goodness shines through the Babylonians. 

God's goodness shines through my miscarriages. 

I've seen others comforted through a similar story to theirs, friendships have been redeemed, my husband and I love each other in a way we never would have experienced without the pain we've experienced together.

But know, if you are going through a miscarriage right now, you might not be where I am yet. You might still be in your valley. This doesn't mean that the pain, sadness, and depression you are feeling isn't completely real. Feel the emotions. 

Don't push them down in an attempt to find the good in your situation yet if you aren't ready. You need to make your way out of the valley onto higher ground before you can see what good God will bring out of your situation. 

Just know, it will pass, the pain doesn't last forever. When you are ready, share your story with others. Let people know how you feel and what you need from them.

Don't be afraid to accept or ask for help when you need it.

On the same note, if you know someone who has gone through a miscarriage, be sensitive to their emotions. It is a traumatic thing to experience. They've felt physical and emotional pain. It's not over even though they're back at work. Their pain is still as real as ever even though they're able to laugh with you again.

Give them time to assimilate back into their routine. But please do not ignore them. Don't ignore the fact that they've gone through losing a child. Acknowledge their pain. You don't have to say all the "right things." A good way to start is by saying "I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. If you need or want to talk just know I am here for you."

Let them open up to you when they are ready. Chances are they do not want to hear all of the cliches that might feel like the right thing to say because usually they are more painful than they are helpful.

Grief is hard and helping people through something like a miscarriage is even harder because it is not something often talked about or even deemed worthy of a grieving process. This is totally untrue and I pray that these words will gain momentum and help others peer into a window of what it is like to go through miscarriage.

Thank you for taking the time to read through this post. I never imagined how God would use my words to help others and myself through my grieving process. If you haven't seen my other posts, please consider reading through them as I try to give practical advise for helping those through miscarriage.

As always, please share. Someone you know might be suffering silently. It is so important to know you are not alone. If you need someone to talk to or have questions about helping someone through their grieving process, please reach out through this form.

The Emotions of Miscarriage

There are so many emotions I've felt through experiencing miscarriage. In an attempt to allow those who have never gone through one to gain more insight, I will be diving into what feelings I have experienced with my miscarriages. My hope is that you will be able to reach out to those suffering through one in a more effective way. If you are reading this because you are going through a miscarriage, it is my prayer that you can identify with this and it will give you a voice if you aren't ready to speak up yet.

Disappointed

When we found out we were pregnant (both times) I had hopes and dreams for our children. I thought about what they would look like: would they have dark hair like Jeremy, or would they have brown eyes like me? I thought about how we would decorate their nurseries, and whether or not they would like sports, or video games, or science. What kind of person would they be?

All of these wondrous, happy thoughts shatter when the reality of miscarriage slams into your world. You grieve what you have imagined in your head. Tears stream down because you realize you will never know what your child would have looked like or if they would have been a boy or a girl. 

Disappointment was a huge part of the grieving process I've experienced. Because we have gone through miscarriage, we are left dreading Mother's Day, Father's Day, our children's due dates, and birthdays.

Helpless

This feeling was more prevalent in my most recent miscarriage. We were concerned from the beginning that we would face the same outcome as before. I had labs drawn to monitor my pregnancy levels which were not going up like they needed to be. I was prescribed medicine to help with one hormone, but this wasn't something that could have saved our baby. I felt so helpless the night I started bleeding. 

I was so furious that there wasn't something that we could do to help.

Hopeless

This emotion came after the miscarriages. I kept asking myself what if we are never able to have children? What if there is something wrong with me? I felt and still feel at times hopeless to the idea of ever becoming a mother naturally. 

Envious

Probably the most evil and frustrating emotion I've felt through the whole process has been envy. I believe it is the one that pushed me into depression after the first miscarriage. It is so isolating to feel envy. My friends around me were getting pregnant and I was pushing myself further and further from them because "they didn't know what I was going through."

Fast forward to now, God has healed most of this anger and envy in my heart, but I am still not immune to it. It still creeps in. If you feel this way right now, you are not alone. You are not evil for feeling envious. It is normal. 

It doesn't mean you don't love your friends, but it can put a wedge in between you and them if you let it grow like I did. The best advice I have for you if you are feeling envious is to speak up about it. Tell your friend how you feel in a loving way. If you don't think you can talk about it, you might consider writing them a letter. 

If they are a true friend, they will understand. I know that sounds so cliche, but there is truth to it.

There are so many other emotions that I will delve into in a future post, but these were some of my most consuming emotions. If you have experienced a miscarriage and have ideas to add to this conversation, please reach out to me through this form. I would love to add your thoughts anonymously into my next post. Thank you for taking the time to read through this post. Please share so you might reach someone who is silently suffering.

What I wish people knew about miscarriage

Experiencing a miscarriage is life changing. It is painful emotionally and physically. Recovering takes time, rest, prayer, and support from those around you. As a society, miscarriage is often not talked about, which can lead to confusion about how to help those you know who have gone through one. My hope is that this post will be helpful in the healing process of others by sharing my personal point of view of what I wish people knew about miscarriage.

Choosing not to acknowledge someone's miscarriage is hurtful
Assimilating back to "normal life" after miscarriage is terrifying. "What will people say? What if what they say makes me cry? How will I get through my first day back at work?" I remember asking myself (and Jeremy) these questions after my first miscarriage last November. I wanted to just crawl under a rock and wait there until I was ready to come out (which would have been years it seemed like).

It takes courage to get back to the daily routine. Some take longer than others to muster it up and get back to the grind of work or school. Satan uses these "what ifs" to hold us hostage in our own homes on some days.

However hard it is to get up and out of the door some days, I truly understand the difficulty in not knowing what to say to someone after they've suffered a miscarriage. I know it is so hard and terrifying that "what if" you don't say the right thing? And that paralyzes some people into not saying anything at all.

I found it hurt most when people chose to stay silent. Just acknowledging what I had been through was enough. "I'm so sorry this happened to you" is the response I truly appreciated. It doesn't have to be a lot. It doesn't require any eloquent words or phrases, just recognizing that I had been through a miscarriage was a response I became truly thankful for.

The aftermath is a grieving process
Having a miscarriage takes time to heal from. There is grief not only from losing your child, but also the life you pictured having once your child would have been born.

Sometimes there is more sadness in knowing you will never hear your child cry or know what their personality would have been like or what color their eyes would have been. Other days I am deeply saddened because the life I played out in my head 8 months from now is going to look so different from reality.

Some days are bad, some are okay, and some are surprisingly good. But there isn't one that goes by without thinking about our children. Again, the only hope I have on some days is knowing this is not my eternal home and one day I will be reunited with our sweet babies in heaven.

Miscarriage is real
It's a painful, real experience that is just as valid as any other loss. The grief can be debilitating. Community and support are vital in the process of healing. Please don't be afraid to reach out to someone who has gone through this loss. I am so thankful for all of the emotional and practical support we have received after each miscarriage. We have had friends reach out, stop by, pray, provide a meal. Each of these are excellent ways to provide support.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I hope that through it, you will be more prepared for the ministry of helping couples and women who have experienced miscarriage.