As I think about my perspective on what happened regarding my wife’s 2 miscarriages, I slowly become overwhelmed. While I did not experience the physical trauma that my wife had, I still had to witness everything. I was experiencing one of the worst things that a husband can go through, watching my wife in pain and terror and not being able to do anything. I thought as if this nightmare would never end as I felt more and more worthless as time went on. Now that some time has passed since these tragedies, there are a few points I would like to share with the men who are also in the thick of this.
Helplessness is not fun
I know for myself and I believe most men will agree that being helpful to your wife is a wonderful feeling. Things as small as helping opening a jar, taking the car to get gas, doing the dishes, all leave us with a feeling of worth when we help our loved ones. What we do not like, is watching people in pain and having to sit there. Doing nothing sucks. I believe that we have this image of men as being these protectors of their wives but that is not always the case. In the midst of a miscarriage, we are helpless. Helplessness does not mean worthlessness. Sure, things are out of control and going crazy but this does not mean we cannot be helpful. What I found out what was more beneficial for my wife was being able to be there for her.
Don’t offer solutions
While women go through these terrible things, the husband should not be trying to look for a solution. The single best thingI believe that a husband can do in this moment is put his own agenda to the side and listen to the needs and pain of his wife. Listening is such a strong tool that promotes cohesiveness, compassion, and understanding. While miscarriage is difficult for couples, the husband should try his best to not try to impose his view on his wife or distract her. We should love our wives through this by putting our focus on them first and then confront our own needs. When we try to offer solutions and “fix” things, we lose the opportunity to connect to our wives. Be patient, and just because you may have “gotten past the miscarriage” does not mean your wife is ready yet.
Feel the feelings
Once the dust settles and the intense moments of the miscarriage start to go away, allow yourself to feel everything. It is extremely unhealthy to push things to the side and not address them. If you feel sad, allow yourself to cry. If you feel angry, find a positive way to get rid of the anger. Do not be afraid to open up to your wife about your feelings when the time is right, this can promote such growth within the relationship. I know that today men “should not cry” and “should be tough”. I want to point out that suppressing intense emotions can result in some maladaptive behaviors that can be extremely detrimental not only for the relationship, but also the individual.
We are not told what to do when tragedy hits. While the points I have listed are not the end all be all to getting through this tragedy, I wish someone would have told me these. As husbands, we are to love our wives unconditionally, and sometimes we experience tough times. If you find yourself being a husband, boyfriend, or father of someone who has experienced miscarriage and you would like to talk to someone, please reach out through this form.
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