Scars

Growing up I played soccer. It was, and still is, my favorite sport. I remember a specific season where I had this scab that formed from hitting my knee on something. It seemed like every game I played the newly formed scab would get knocked off. I still have the mark from this repetitive injury and healing cycle I went through for what seemed like forever.

I think this story is the perfect picture of what healing after miscarriage looks like.

A question my friend recently asked me was, "do you ever think you can have complete healing from grief here on earth?"

It didn't take me any time at all to give my answer. Loss and grief never go away. Like my soccer wound, they can heal to only be knocked off again. New skin forms over the pain and brokenness life has dealt you. You seem to be moving towards complete healing, and then all of the sudden you're back at square one.

These scars are what make our story. They remind us of the pain we endured. They allow us to relate with one another. Most of all, they never go away.

When I look at my life right now, I am often still overwhelmed with hurt when I see the void of losing two children. My hope is that through sharing these stories I have encouraged you if you have also experienced miscarriage. With that encouragement, I would be doing you an injustice not to recognize the pain that you have also experienced or are experiencing right now.

I want you to realize that even after time passes, it is still hard for me to carry the weight of loss. You are not alone if you feel stuck in a rut. I think healing can also come from hearing "me too" when you feel like everyone else has moved on with life.

So with all this being said, no, I don't believe we will ever be healed here on earth, but "the pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming." Romans 8:18

If you feel overpowered by grief even when you thought you were beginning to finally start to living again, you are not alone. Please reach out here if you need support from someone who has been there, who is there right now. 

For Poppy

I knew that June was going to be a hard month. Nothing could prepare me for the feelings I felt what seems like an eternity ago to resurface. Seven months have passed since we lost our sweet Poppy. And while my sinfulness wants to make this time being bitter, anger, and jealous, God is giving me a different spirit.

Does this mean I don't feel these emotions at times? No, but what a joy to know that both of my children will never know the brokenness of this world. 

9 days from today will look a lot different than I imagined in my head when I saw the second pink line for the first time. It's been the hardest season of my life. Losing two children has left a mark on my heart I never thought I would have to bear. What has God taught me in this time of grief and growth? I want to share the answers with you below. If you are interested, please keep reading.

I need help from others

I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again 1000 times because of it's impact. Do not go at this alone.

 You need community. You were created in the image of God. He is three in one. This shows a blueprint for how we are to live. I remember so clearly the isolation that I felt during our first miscarriage. I sunk faster and faster into a pit I didn't know how to crawl out of. I looked up to the people above me but I didn't know how to let them down in to this place I found myself in.

I was angry at the things they weren't doing even though I never thought to communicate to them what exactly that was.

Bereaved mama and daddy, Don't be afraid to tell the people who are there for you what you need. Maybe you don't want to let them in because "they don't know how it feels." I totally get it. I was there. God revealed to me through my second miscarriage that I was doing this wrong the first time. Those people that reach out are there for you.

Maybe it is space that you need. Maybe it's a meal or a time just to sit and be silent. Just let them know.

In Galatians 6:2 we are told to "bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." If you know someone going through miscarriage, this verse shows exactly how to help. Bear your friend's burdens. Cook them a meal, sit and cry with them, pray with them. But please don't just say you will be praying. Show your suffering brothers and sisters in Christ your love through actions. 

God's grace and love shine brightest in the darkness

You might not realize how God was blessing you and showing you His grace until after your trial has come and gone. I know for me, I didn't realize many of the things I've shared on this blog until after our second miscarriage.

I'm so in awe of God's sovereignty when I think about my miscarriages. Sounds weird to say. I bet it sounds weird for you to hear, Especially if you are not pursuing a deeper understanding and relationship with Him. 

I want you to see my story as a testament of the love God has for his people. Even now in my grief and suffering, he provides.

Have you noticed a theme of these posts? Friends, my positive outlook on my miscarriages is not by my own abilities. God gives me hope to even be able to look for the good in my loss because he sent His son to die for you, me, my babies, your loved ones, your babies, everyone.

God's grace is certainly something to be joyful about because there is hope! Hope that all of us who have lost our children will one day see them again when we too pass away.

People can be hurtful

This isn't something exclusive to miscarriage. We are broken people living in a broken world. My motive in saying these things is not to point a finger or blame anyone who may have said these words to me. My intention is to show how words hold so much power.

I've heard many things from, "Everything happens for a reason," "You'll have children one day," or "I'm sure there was something wrong with your baby." Usually, intentions are good in saying these statements. They are said to bring comfort to the person suffering.

Have you ever said anything like this? Maybe even to me? Please hear me when I say that I know your intentions were good. I am not harboring any hatred or anger towards you. I even appreciate your courage to speak up when it seemed like everyone else was ignoring my pain. I just pray that maybe when you encounter another hurting mama, your first response would be "I see your pain, and I'm sorry that you're going through this right now."

Have you ever had these things said to you? Or have you been ignored during your miscarriage by those you thought would be the first to say something? Please hear me when I say that I am so sorry. I know that these actions cut to the core of your wounds. Before you let these statements, or lack thereof, sink in and let bitterness and anger rule in your mind, take a moment and think about the time you might have done the same to someone else. 

Ouch.

This hurt me, too. Which brings me to my next God-given teaching moment.

I have been the person mentioned above

I know that sting from conviction. It hurts more than the pain of someone else's actions towards you. I want you to know that I am not trying to shame you in any way. I just want to share how God has softened my heart.

I can remember countless instances in my life where I have chosen to sit by while I see a friend or stranger in need. Miscarriages have broken my heart for others who are suffering. They give me a window into souls filled with grief and sadness.

What a gift this is to know and understand the hearts of others.

I thank God for this. He's used miscarriage for His glory. Teaching me in a new way how to love others and tend to their needs as he has done so throughout my grief and sadness.

This list of what God has taught me is not exhaustive. God's goodness continually teaches and corrects me and comforts me in a way I would have never known without the physical and emotional emptiness of miscarriage. This hole left in my heart is not eternal, but a satisfying, perfect life with God is.

What I wish people knew about miscarriage

Experiencing a miscarriage is life changing. It is painful emotionally and physically. Recovering takes time, rest, prayer, and support from those around you. As a society, miscarriage is often not talked about, which can lead to confusion about how to help those you know who have gone through one. My hope is that this post will be helpful in the healing process of others by sharing my personal point of view of what I wish people knew about miscarriage.

Choosing not to acknowledge someone's miscarriage is hurtful
Assimilating back to "normal life" after miscarriage is terrifying. "What will people say? What if what they say makes me cry? How will I get through my first day back at work?" I remember asking myself (and Jeremy) these questions after my first miscarriage last November. I wanted to just crawl under a rock and wait there until I was ready to come out (which would have been years it seemed like).

It takes courage to get back to the daily routine. Some take longer than others to muster it up and get back to the grind of work or school. Satan uses these "what ifs" to hold us hostage in our own homes on some days.

However hard it is to get up and out of the door some days, I truly understand the difficulty in not knowing what to say to someone after they've suffered a miscarriage. I know it is so hard and terrifying that "what if" you don't say the right thing? And that paralyzes some people into not saying anything at all.

I found it hurt most when people chose to stay silent. Just acknowledging what I had been through was enough. "I'm so sorry this happened to you" is the response I truly appreciated. It doesn't have to be a lot. It doesn't require any eloquent words or phrases, just recognizing that I had been through a miscarriage was a response I became truly thankful for.

The aftermath is a grieving process
Having a miscarriage takes time to heal from. There is grief not only from losing your child, but also the life you pictured having once your child would have been born.

Sometimes there is more sadness in knowing you will never hear your child cry or know what their personality would have been like or what color their eyes would have been. Other days I am deeply saddened because the life I played out in my head 8 months from now is going to look so different from reality.

Some days are bad, some are okay, and some are surprisingly good. But there isn't one that goes by without thinking about our children. Again, the only hope I have on some days is knowing this is not my eternal home and one day I will be reunited with our sweet babies in heaven.

Miscarriage is real
It's a painful, real experience that is just as valid as any other loss. The grief can be debilitating. Community and support are vital in the process of healing. Please don't be afraid to reach out to someone who has gone through this loss. I am so thankful for all of the emotional and practical support we have received after each miscarriage. We have had friends reach out, stop by, pray, provide a meal. Each of these are excellent ways to provide support.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I hope that through it, you will be more prepared for the ministry of helping couples and women who have experienced miscarriage.