Scars

Growing up I played soccer. It was, and still is, my favorite sport. I remember a specific season where I had this scab that formed from hitting my knee on something. It seemed like every game I played the newly formed scab would get knocked off. I still have the mark from this repetitive injury and healing cycle I went through for what seemed like forever.

I think this story is the perfect picture of what healing after miscarriage looks like.

A question my friend recently asked me was, "do you ever think you can have complete healing from grief here on earth?"

It didn't take me any time at all to give my answer. Loss and grief never go away. Like my soccer wound, they can heal to only be knocked off again. New skin forms over the pain and brokenness life has dealt you. You seem to be moving towards complete healing, and then all of the sudden you're back at square one.

These scars are what make our story. They remind us of the pain we endured. They allow us to relate with one another. Most of all, they never go away.

When I look at my life right now, I am often still overwhelmed with hurt when I see the void of losing two children. My hope is that through sharing these stories I have encouraged you if you have also experienced miscarriage. With that encouragement, I would be doing you an injustice not to recognize the pain that you have also experienced or are experiencing right now.

I want you to realize that even after time passes, it is still hard for me to carry the weight of loss. You are not alone if you feel stuck in a rut. I think healing can also come from hearing "me too" when you feel like everyone else has moved on with life.

So with all this being said, no, I don't believe we will ever be healed here on earth, but "the pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming." Romans 8:18

If you feel overpowered by grief even when you thought you were beginning to finally start to living again, you are not alone. Please reach out here if you need support from someone who has been there, who is there right now. 

For Poppy

I knew that June was going to be a hard month. Nothing could prepare me for the feelings I felt what seems like an eternity ago to resurface. Seven months have passed since we lost our sweet Poppy. And while my sinfulness wants to make this time being bitter, anger, and jealous, God is giving me a different spirit.

Does this mean I don't feel these emotions at times? No, but what a joy to know that both of my children will never know the brokenness of this world. 

9 days from today will look a lot different than I imagined in my head when I saw the second pink line for the first time. It's been the hardest season of my life. Losing two children has left a mark on my heart I never thought I would have to bear. What has God taught me in this time of grief and growth? I want to share the answers with you below. If you are interested, please keep reading.

I need help from others

I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again 1000 times because of it's impact. Do not go at this alone.

 You need community. You were created in the image of God. He is three in one. This shows a blueprint for how we are to live. I remember so clearly the isolation that I felt during our first miscarriage. I sunk faster and faster into a pit I didn't know how to crawl out of. I looked up to the people above me but I didn't know how to let them down in to this place I found myself in.

I was angry at the things they weren't doing even though I never thought to communicate to them what exactly that was.

Bereaved mama and daddy, Don't be afraid to tell the people who are there for you what you need. Maybe you don't want to let them in because "they don't know how it feels." I totally get it. I was there. God revealed to me through my second miscarriage that I was doing this wrong the first time. Those people that reach out are there for you.

Maybe it is space that you need. Maybe it's a meal or a time just to sit and be silent. Just let them know.

In Galatians 6:2 we are told to "bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." If you know someone going through miscarriage, this verse shows exactly how to help. Bear your friend's burdens. Cook them a meal, sit and cry with them, pray with them. But please don't just say you will be praying. Show your suffering brothers and sisters in Christ your love through actions. 

God's grace and love shine brightest in the darkness

You might not realize how God was blessing you and showing you His grace until after your trial has come and gone. I know for me, I didn't realize many of the things I've shared on this blog until after our second miscarriage.

I'm so in awe of God's sovereignty when I think about my miscarriages. Sounds weird to say. I bet it sounds weird for you to hear, Especially if you are not pursuing a deeper understanding and relationship with Him. 

I want you to see my story as a testament of the love God has for his people. Even now in my grief and suffering, he provides.

Have you noticed a theme of these posts? Friends, my positive outlook on my miscarriages is not by my own abilities. God gives me hope to even be able to look for the good in my loss because he sent His son to die for you, me, my babies, your loved ones, your babies, everyone.

God's grace is certainly something to be joyful about because there is hope! Hope that all of us who have lost our children will one day see them again when we too pass away.

People can be hurtful

This isn't something exclusive to miscarriage. We are broken people living in a broken world. My motive in saying these things is not to point a finger or blame anyone who may have said these words to me. My intention is to show how words hold so much power.

I've heard many things from, "Everything happens for a reason," "You'll have children one day," or "I'm sure there was something wrong with your baby." Usually, intentions are good in saying these statements. They are said to bring comfort to the person suffering.

Have you ever said anything like this? Maybe even to me? Please hear me when I say that I know your intentions were good. I am not harboring any hatred or anger towards you. I even appreciate your courage to speak up when it seemed like everyone else was ignoring my pain. I just pray that maybe when you encounter another hurting mama, your first response would be "I see your pain, and I'm sorry that you're going through this right now."

Have you ever had these things said to you? Or have you been ignored during your miscarriage by those you thought would be the first to say something? Please hear me when I say that I am so sorry. I know that these actions cut to the core of your wounds. Before you let these statements, or lack thereof, sink in and let bitterness and anger rule in your mind, take a moment and think about the time you might have done the same to someone else. 

Ouch.

This hurt me, too. Which brings me to my next God-given teaching moment.

I have been the person mentioned above

I know that sting from conviction. It hurts more than the pain of someone else's actions towards you. I want you to know that I am not trying to shame you in any way. I just want to share how God has softened my heart.

I can remember countless instances in my life where I have chosen to sit by while I see a friend or stranger in need. Miscarriages have broken my heart for others who are suffering. They give me a window into souls filled with grief and sadness.

What a gift this is to know and understand the hearts of others.

I thank God for this. He's used miscarriage for His glory. Teaching me in a new way how to love others and tend to their needs as he has done so throughout my grief and sadness.

This list of what God has taught me is not exhaustive. God's goodness continually teaches and corrects me and comforts me in a way I would have never known without the physical and emotional emptiness of miscarriage. This hole left in my heart is not eternal, but a satisfying, perfect life with God is.

Bible verses for comfort during miscarriage

What do you turn to when you're feeling the weight of grief on your shoulders? Turning to the worldly comforts during times such as miscarriage can satisfy us temporarily, but where or who can we turn to when these things no longer fix us the way they once did?

I know that my, and your, ultimate hope comes from the Lord (Romans 15:13). This truth has been the basis of my healing through two miscarriages. I allows me to pull myself out of the fleeting world around me to find solid ground on my rock, Jesus.

It is him who died for my sins. It is him that closes the gap from here to eternity - from me to my babies in heaven.

I thought it might be helpful for those going through miscarriage to refer back to a few passages of scripture that have helped me through the most difficult times in my life - losing my children.

These words give hope. They breathe life into the death and sadness that the enemy so badly wants me to focus on.

Please share this blog in the hopes that someone around you, or even yourself will find truth, love, and hope that can only come from the Lord.

1 Samuel 1:27-28

For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord.

Psalm 34:17-21

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken. Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned. 

Daniel 3:17-18

If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will never serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.

Romans 8:18

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

Ecclesiastes 11:5

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand that work of God, the Maker of all things.

Isaiah 55:8-9

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. As heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

2 Corinthian 1:3-5

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.

1 Corinthians 15:54-58

When the perishable has been clothes with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

A husband's take on miscarriage

As I think about my perspective on what happened regarding my wife’s 2 miscarriages, I slowly become overwhelmed. While I did not experience the physical trauma that my wife had, I still had to witness everything. I was experiencing one of the worst things that a husband can go through, watching my wife in pain and terror and not being able to do anything. I thought as if this nightmare would never end as I felt more and more worthless as time went on. Now that some time has passed since these tragedies, there are a few points I would like to share with the men who are also in the thick of this.  

Helplessness is not fun

I know for myself and I believe most men will agree that being helpful to your wife is a wonderful feeling. Things as small as helping opening a jar, taking the car to get gas, doing the dishes, all leave us with a feeling of worth when we help our loved ones. What we do not like, is watching people in pain and having to sit there. Doing nothing sucks. I believe that we have this image of men as being these protectors of their wives but that is not always the case. In the midst of a miscarriage, we are helpless. Helplessness does not mean worthlessness. Sure, things are out of control and going crazy but this does not mean we cannot be helpful. What I found out what was more beneficial for my wife was being able to be there for her.   

Don’t offer solutions

While women go through these terrible things, the husband should not be trying to look for a solution. The single best thingI believe that a husband can do in this moment is put his own agenda to the side and listen to the needs and pain of his wife. Listening is such a strong tool that promotes cohesiveness, compassion, and understanding. While miscarriage is difficult for couples, the husband should try his best to not try to impose his view on his wife or distract her. We should love our wives through this by putting our focus on them first and then confront our own needs. When we try to offer solutions and “fix” things, we lose the opportunity to connect to our wives. Be patient, and just because you may have “gotten past the miscarriage” does not mean your wife is ready yet. 

Feel the feelings

Once the dust settles and the intense moments of the miscarriage start to go away, allow yourself to feel everything. It is extremely unhealthy to push things to the side and not address them. If you feel sad, allow yourself to cry. If you feel angry, find a positive way to get rid of the anger. Do not be afraid to open up to your wife about your feelings when the time is right, this can promote such growth within the relationship. I know that today men “should not cry” and “should be tough”. I want to point out that suppressing intense emotions can result in some maladaptive behaviors that can be extremely detrimental not only for the relationship, but also the individual. 

We are not told what to do when tragedy hits. While the points I have listed are not the end all be all to getting through this tragedy, I wish someone would have told me these. As husbands, we are to love our wives unconditionally, and sometimes we experience tough times. If you find yourself being a husband, boyfriend, or father of someone who has experienced miscarriage and you would like to talk to someone, please reach out through this form.

My story

Has something monumental ever happened to you and you had this thought pop in your head: why me? That thought has popped into my head countless times since thanksgiving 2016.

That night I gave birth to our first baby. 9 weeks into pregnancy. My husband and I were completely devastated finding out that our baby stopped growing at week 6. For 3 weeks I was living in a fantasy that everything was okay. Sure I had heard about miscarriage being a "common" occurrence but surely not me.

Our world was wrecked. We both slowly and at the same time quickly spiraled into isolation, depression, confusion: why us?

Fast forward 3 months. Another positive pregnancy test. When I saw the faint line the only thing I could do was cry. All of the emotions came back to me from just a few months ago. I was terrified.

I tried to convince myself that surely this time would be different. Surely we would get to meet this baby here on earth. With all the ups and downs that comes with pregnancy after miscarriage, we just pushed forward being cautious about everything. I got labs drawn which made us assume the worst. My levels were not rising like they needed to be. We had 3 sonograms over the course of less than a week. We saw growth on every one, with the third seeing our babies tiny heart beating.

We were so relieved.

3 days later I started bleeding. The next day was worse. With every wave of pain I was reminded that it was over. So again I asked God: why me? Why would our God who is able and powerful choose to stand by in our time of pleading with Him to save our child?

I may never know the answer to this question. Sometimes this bothers me. My human nature leads me to believe I can find out all of the answers if I search hard enough. What I do know is I have two precious children wrapped in the arms of Jesus waiting for me when I return home one day.

This is honestly the only hope I have to cling to on bad days. Thankfully, it is enough. Jesus is enough. 

God put this burden on my heart to share my story. I didn't know when I was going to be ready. It's so scary to peel back my layers and be real and raw with whoever reads this. However, I know that waiting will only delay the possibility of throwing a lifeline of hope out to someone who may be going through a similar experience.

If you know someone who has or is experiencing miscarriage, reach out to them. Sit in silence with them. Cry with them. Laugh with them if they feel like it. Just being there is enough.

My prayer is to use where God has placed me to show others there is hope. If you are going through something similar, please reach out to me. I would love to be a listening ear.

Life is so much easier when you have someone or many people in your corner. I am so thankful for all of my people.

I'll leave this post with one verse that has been in my head since all of this started: If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will never serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up. Daniel 3:17-18