Disappointed
When we found out we were pregnant (both times) I had hopes and dreams for our children. I thought about what they would look like: would they have dark hair like Jeremy, or would they have brown eyes like me? I thought about how we would decorate their nurseries, and whether or not they would like sports, or video games, or science. What kind of person would they be?
All of these wondrous, happy thoughts shatter when the reality of miscarriage slams into your world. You grieve what you have imagined in your head. Tears stream down because you realize you will never know what your child would have looked like or if they would have been a boy or a girl.
Disappointment was a huge part of the grieving process I've experienced. Because we have gone through miscarriage, we are left dreading Mother's Day, Father's Day, our children's due dates, and birthdays.
Helpless
This feeling was more prevalent in my most recent miscarriage. We were concerned from the beginning that we would face the same outcome as before. I had labs drawn to monitor my pregnancy levels which were not going up like they needed to be. I was prescribed medicine to help with one hormone, but this wasn't something that could have saved our baby. I felt so helpless the night I started bleeding.
I was so furious that there wasn't something that we could do to help.
Hopeless
This emotion came after the miscarriages. I kept asking myself what if we are never able to have children? What if there is something wrong with me? I felt and still feel at times hopeless to the idea of ever becoming a mother naturally.
Envious
Probably the most evil and frustrating emotion I've felt through the whole process has been envy. I believe it is the one that pushed me into depression after the first miscarriage. It is so isolating to feel envy. My friends around me were getting pregnant and I was pushing myself further and further from them because "they didn't know what I was going through."
Fast forward to now, God has healed most of this anger and envy in my heart, but I am still not immune to it. It still creeps in. If you feel this way right now, you are not alone. You are not evil for feeling envious. It is normal.
It doesn't mean you don't love your friends, but it can put a wedge in between you and them if you let it grow like I did. The best advice I have for you if you are feeling envious is to speak up about it. Tell your friend how you feel in a loving way. If you don't think you can talk about it, you might consider writing them a letter.
If they are a true friend, they will understand. I know that sounds so cliche, but there is truth to it.
There are so many other emotions that I will delve into in a future post, but these were some of my most consuming emotions. If you have experienced a miscarriage and have ideas to add to this conversation, please reach out to me through this form. I would love to add your thoughts anonymously into my next post. Thank you for taking the time to read through this post. Please share so you might reach someone who is silently suffering.
