My story

Has something monumental ever happened to you and you had this thought pop in your head: why me? That thought has popped into my head countless times since thanksgiving 2016.

That night I gave birth to our first baby. 9 weeks into pregnancy. My husband and I were completely devastated finding out that our baby stopped growing at week 6. For 3 weeks I was living in a fantasy that everything was okay. Sure I had heard about miscarriage being a "common" occurrence but surely not me.

Our world was wrecked. We both slowly and at the same time quickly spiraled into isolation, depression, confusion: why us?

Fast forward 3 months. Another positive pregnancy test. When I saw the faint line the only thing I could do was cry. All of the emotions came back to me from just a few months ago. I was terrified.

I tried to convince myself that surely this time would be different. Surely we would get to meet this baby here on earth. With all the ups and downs that comes with pregnancy after miscarriage, we just pushed forward being cautious about everything. I got labs drawn which made us assume the worst. My levels were not rising like they needed to be. We had 3 sonograms over the course of less than a week. We saw growth on every one, with the third seeing our babies tiny heart beating.

We were so relieved.

3 days later I started bleeding. The next day was worse. With every wave of pain I was reminded that it was over. So again I asked God: why me? Why would our God who is able and powerful choose to stand by in our time of pleading with Him to save our child?

I may never know the answer to this question. Sometimes this bothers me. My human nature leads me to believe I can find out all of the answers if I search hard enough. What I do know is I have two precious children wrapped in the arms of Jesus waiting for me when I return home one day.

This is honestly the only hope I have to cling to on bad days. Thankfully, it is enough. Jesus is enough. 

God put this burden on my heart to share my story. I didn't know when I was going to be ready. It's so scary to peel back my layers and be real and raw with whoever reads this. However, I know that waiting will only delay the possibility of throwing a lifeline of hope out to someone who may be going through a similar experience.

If you know someone who has or is experiencing miscarriage, reach out to them. Sit in silence with them. Cry with them. Laugh with them if they feel like it. Just being there is enough.

My prayer is to use where God has placed me to show others there is hope. If you are going through something similar, please reach out to me. I would love to be a listening ear.

Life is so much easier when you have someone or many people in your corner. I am so thankful for all of my people.

I'll leave this post with one verse that has been in my head since all of this started: If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will never serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up. Daniel 3:17-18