Experiencing a miscarriage is life changing. It is painful emotionally and physically. Recovering takes time, rest, prayer, and support from those around you. As a society, miscarriage is often not talked about, which can lead to confusion about how to help those you know who have gone through one. My hope is that this post will be helpful in the healing process of others by sharing my personal point of view of what I wish people knew about miscarriage.
Choosing not to acknowledge someone's miscarriage is hurtful
Assimilating back to "normal life" after miscarriage is terrifying. "What will people say? What if what they say makes me cry? How will I get through my first day back at work?" I remember asking myself (and Jeremy) these questions after my first miscarriage last November. I wanted to just crawl under a rock and wait there until I was ready to come out (which would have been years it seemed like).
It takes courage to get back to the daily routine. Some take longer than others to muster it up and get back to the grind of work or school. Satan uses these "what ifs" to hold us hostage in our own homes on some days.
However hard it is to get up and out of the door some days, I truly understand the difficulty in not knowing what to say to someone after they've suffered a miscarriage. I know it is so hard and terrifying that "what if" you don't say the right thing? And that paralyzes some people into not saying anything at all.
I found it hurt most when people chose to stay silent. Just acknowledging what I had been through was enough. "I'm so sorry this happened to you" is the response I truly appreciated. It doesn't have to be a lot. It doesn't require any eloquent words or phrases, just recognizing that I had been through a miscarriage was a response I became truly thankful for.
The aftermath is a grieving process
Having a miscarriage takes time to heal from. There is grief not only from losing your child, but also the life you pictured having once your child would have been born.
Sometimes there is more sadness in knowing you will never hear your child cry or know what their personality would have been like or what color their eyes would have been. Other days I am deeply saddened because the life I played out in my head 8 months from now is going to look so different from reality.
Some days are bad, some are okay, and some are surprisingly good. But there isn't one that goes by without thinking about our children. Again, the only hope I have on some days is knowing this is not my eternal home and one day I will be reunited with our sweet babies in heaven.
Miscarriage is real
It's a painful, real experience that is just as valid as any other loss. The grief can be debilitating. Community and support are vital in the process of healing. Please don't be afraid to reach out to someone who has gone through this loss. I am so thankful for all of the emotional and practical support we have received after each miscarriage. We have had friends reach out, stop by, pray, provide a meal. Each of these are excellent ways to provide support.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I hope that through it, you will be more prepared for the ministry of helping couples and women who have experienced miscarriage.
My story
Has something monumental ever happened to you and you had this thought pop in your head: why me? That thought has popped into my head countless times since thanksgiving 2016.
That night I gave birth to our first baby. 9 weeks into pregnancy. My husband and I were completely devastated finding out that our baby stopped growing at week 6. For 3 weeks I was living in a fantasy that everything was okay. Sure I had heard about miscarriage being a "common" occurrence but surely not me.
Our world was wrecked. We both slowly and at the same time quickly spiraled into isolation, depression, confusion: why us?
Fast forward 3 months. Another positive pregnancy test. When I saw the faint line the only thing I could do was cry. All of the emotions came back to me from just a few months ago. I was terrified.
I tried to convince myself that surely this time would be different. Surely we would get to meet this baby here on earth. With all the ups and downs that comes with pregnancy after miscarriage, we just pushed forward being cautious about everything. I got labs drawn which made us assume the worst. My levels were not rising like they needed to be. We had 3 sonograms over the course of less than a week. We saw growth on every one, with the third seeing our babies tiny heart beating.
We were so relieved.
3 days later I started bleeding. The next day was worse. With every wave of pain I was reminded that it was over. So again I asked God: why me? Why would our God who is able and powerful choose to stand by in our time of pleading with Him to save our child?
I may never know the answer to this question. Sometimes this bothers me. My human nature leads me to believe I can find out all of the answers if I search hard enough. What I do know is I have two precious children wrapped in the arms of Jesus waiting for me when I return home one day.
This is honestly the only hope I have to cling to on bad days. Thankfully, it is enough. Jesus is enough.
God put this burden on my heart to share my story. I didn't know when I was going to be ready. It's so scary to peel back my layers and be real and raw with whoever reads this. However, I know that waiting will only delay the possibility of throwing a lifeline of hope out to someone who may be going through a similar experience.
If you know someone who has or is experiencing miscarriage, reach out to them. Sit in silence with them. Cry with them. Laugh with them if they feel like it. Just being there is enough.
My prayer is to use where God has placed me to show others there is hope. If you are going through something similar, please reach out to me. I would love to be a listening ear.
Life is so much easier when you have someone or many people in your corner. I am so thankful for all of my people.
I'll leave this post with one verse that has been in my head since all of this started: If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will never serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up. Daniel 3:17-18
That night I gave birth to our first baby. 9 weeks into pregnancy. My husband and I were completely devastated finding out that our baby stopped growing at week 6. For 3 weeks I was living in a fantasy that everything was okay. Sure I had heard about miscarriage being a "common" occurrence but surely not me.
Our world was wrecked. We both slowly and at the same time quickly spiraled into isolation, depression, confusion: why us?
Fast forward 3 months. Another positive pregnancy test. When I saw the faint line the only thing I could do was cry. All of the emotions came back to me from just a few months ago. I was terrified.
I tried to convince myself that surely this time would be different. Surely we would get to meet this baby here on earth. With all the ups and downs that comes with pregnancy after miscarriage, we just pushed forward being cautious about everything. I got labs drawn which made us assume the worst. My levels were not rising like they needed to be. We had 3 sonograms over the course of less than a week. We saw growth on every one, with the third seeing our babies tiny heart beating.
We were so relieved.
3 days later I started bleeding. The next day was worse. With every wave of pain I was reminded that it was over. So again I asked God: why me? Why would our God who is able and powerful choose to stand by in our time of pleading with Him to save our child?
I may never know the answer to this question. Sometimes this bothers me. My human nature leads me to believe I can find out all of the answers if I search hard enough. What I do know is I have two precious children wrapped in the arms of Jesus waiting for me when I return home one day.
This is honestly the only hope I have to cling to on bad days. Thankfully, it is enough. Jesus is enough.
God put this burden on my heart to share my story. I didn't know when I was going to be ready. It's so scary to peel back my layers and be real and raw with whoever reads this. However, I know that waiting will only delay the possibility of throwing a lifeline of hope out to someone who may be going through a similar experience.
If you know someone who has or is experiencing miscarriage, reach out to them. Sit in silence with them. Cry with them. Laugh with them if they feel like it. Just being there is enough.
My prayer is to use where God has placed me to show others there is hope. If you are going through something similar, please reach out to me. I would love to be a listening ear.
Life is so much easier when you have someone or many people in your corner. I am so thankful for all of my people.
I'll leave this post with one verse that has been in my head since all of this started: If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will never serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up. Daniel 3:17-18
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