I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
Psalm 40:1-3
I opened up my bible today and this was the first passage I read. Waiting is not something I'm unfamiliar with. I should be setting up for a birthday party tomorrow. Maybe there would have been a cake with flowers. Maybe one decorated with dinosaurs or trains.
I always wonder what would have been for the precious life that I carried in my womb for 9 weeks. You made me a mother. Although those around me don't see you and when I'm asked if I have any children, sometimes I lie. I am a mother. Your life mattered.
My love will never end for the two babies I carried. I will always hold them in my heart and if there's one thing I've learned from this journey, it's that I need to give myself space to feel. Sometimes it's grief and frustration and other times it's joy in remembering that because of Christ's blood shed for you and me, all hope is not lost. Don't you feel a longing in your soul for something more than this world can give us?
Even as a Christian my life is not promised to be easy or free from death. This is the symptom of the fallen world we live in. Because of one man's sin, all of us are subjected to living out a life that we were not intended to live. One look at the world around us and we see this, but because one man lived a perfect life, you and I have hope for a future when we leave this earth. My hope has always been to share my story with others to give them hope and understanding. If you have gone through miscarriage, I want you to read my words and know you are not alone. I see you, but more importantly Jesus sees you.
I want you to know that even though I have carried another child only to end up with the same heartbreak and loss, God has given me a new song to sing because of the hope I have in Jesus. He can give you one too if you allow him into your heart. There is no "fix-it" in this world that will promise you a happy life, but we have Jesus and he is enough.
Even if I am never satisfied of my longing and desire to carry a child full-term and live a life as a mother to that child on earth, Jesus will be enough.
Please share so that these words would reach the eyes of those who may be suffering. Please reach out to those you know are suffering. It doesn't need to be eloquent. There is nothing "right" you will say to fix the situation. Sometimes it's best to sit in silence. Just being present to sit with someone in their sadness or grief is all it takes to let someone know they are not alone.
Thank you, God, for the new song you offer to everyone. Thank you, Jesus, for dying for all of us, including my babies, so we have a new hope. Thank you for continuing to read my story.
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